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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937902">There's No Returning (You're Always Winning)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderofasunrise/pseuds/wonderofasunrise'>wonderofasunrise</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love &amp; Loss [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ER (TV 1994)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Male-Female Friendship, Platonic Relationships, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:15:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937902</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderofasunrise/pseuds/wonderofasunrise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Susan and Mark are meeting for the first time since she left Chicago, and bitterness surfaces as she makes a revelation.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mark Greene &amp; Susan Lewis (ER TV 1994)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love &amp; Loss [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>There's No Returning (You're Always Winning)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Again, special thanks to Kam and Zoë for being absolute sweethearts through the whole process - and to my Spotify playlist for giving me lightbulb moments every few minutes or so.</p>
<p>Featuring an excerpt from "Summer Sunshine" by The Corrs.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>To sweet beginnings and bitter endings</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>In coffee city we borrowed heaven</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t give it back</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Winter is coming<br/></span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>And I need to stay warm</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure you don’t want to grab a bite at Doc Magoo’s instead?” Mark said with a chuckle. “I seem to recall you mentioning how much you miss it. I’m sure they miss you too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Susan was sitting across him at The Berghoff, looking through the menu while he studied her features. Her hair was shorter and a few shades lighter now, and he had to say it suited her perfectly—although, as cheesy as it sounded, in all fairness </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>few things did not suit her in his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was still as beautiful as she had been the last time he had seen her, though it did not surprise him in the slightest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She scoffed. “Just to be clear, I didn’t necessarily mean the food. I meant the atmosphere—though come to think of it, I can really do without having to smell blood and guts whenever someone comes in,” she replied, her eyes still going through the menu. “I think I know what I’m having. You ready to order?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mark nodded, and got back to watching Susan as she summoned a waiter to their table. Along came a man in his forties, though his impeccable grooming inevitably made him look younger, who sported a friendly smile as he took their orders—cedar plank salmon for Susan, sauerbraten for Mark, and a bottle of pinot noir for both to share.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While waiting for their food to arrive, Susan told Mark everything she knew he wanted to hear about her life in Phoenix—how she was about to complete her residency and had been recommended for an attending position at her current hospital, how much she missed County’s ER staff (with the notable exception of a certain red-haired attending), and most importantly how happy she was to be near little Suzie, who was not so little anymore, and by extension a reformed Chloe and her husband.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mark listened to every one of her stories carefully, so delighted and relieved was he to be near her again and to hear that soothing voice in person. As he listened he continued studying her features, unable to contain his amazement at how even prettier she had gotten since she had left.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not surprisingly, he began to get his hopes up. Maybe now was the time to undo everything he had done wrong when it came to her. Maybe now was the time to finally man up and do the right thing. To say it out loud after all this time because he could no longer hold it all inside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe now is the time.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At the other end, Susan was equally overjoyed to be with her best friend again, sharing stories and wine while reminiscing about the good old days when they had been practically unstoppable in the ER, when they had given each other a hand and encouragement whenever something had gone south, and the many days they had spent together outside of work. She could tell how much in a good mood he was thanks to her, and listening to him laugh brought her a lot of pleasant memories from before her departure from the city.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, as much as she would have hated to ruin the mood, soon enough she would have to tell him something she knew he did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> exactly want to hear, and she figured that now was as good a time as any; with a little bit of luck, he would take it well and at the very least accept it for what it was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was her best friend, after all, and surely he would be nothing but understanding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m seeing someone,” Susan blurted out, the words coming out so quickly of her mouth Mark barely had any time to process each of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His expression was unreadable to her; she was certain there was a flash of anger across his eyes, though he did a good job containing it (so far), but mostly she saw confusion. Questions after questions, which he was still figuring out how to phrase, ran through his mind, and his reaction must have incited something in Susan because her smile had now disappeared completely, replaced by a look of doubt, as if she had been wondering that she probably shouldn’t have told him the news (she was).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” was all he could manage, his eyes suddenly drifting away from her face. He took a moment to consider her revelation and what it meant to him, and his confusion grew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was his best friend. He was supposed to be happy for her, right? After all, she had been pretty straightforward to him about her struggle to find friends in Phoenix, and he was supposed to be delighted to hear that she had found someone who could probably ease the struggle a bit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he was not happy. His confusion began to fade, only it was now being replaced by indignation. Why was he angry about this?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took a quick look at her, and though he had not said anything else, her look as he tried (and failed) to keep his composure could be best described as heartbroken.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is…” he finally spoke, still avoiding her eyes on him, “is he a doctor?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Susan shook her head. “No, he’s a teacher actually. We met when he brought in one of his students to the ER—well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> ER. His name is Aaron,” she answered with a bit of hesitation in her voice. “It’s nothing serious, really, but he’s a nice guy,” she quickly added.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aaron,” Mark uttered the name, as if trying to see how it would sound in his voice. His anger—no, </span>
  <em>
    <span>disgust</span>
  </em>
  <span>—grew with each syllable. Who was this guy, and what did Susan see in him?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>More importantly, what did he have that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Mark</span>
  </em>
  <span> did not?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She must have noticed the change in his demeanor, because she let out a sigh and was now leaning slightly towards him, her green eyes growing serious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look, Mark,” Susan said, almost in an undertone before raising her voice slightly. “I still remember every second of that day. At the station when we—” She was unable to continue, memories from that day at Union Station starting to make their comeback. His words. The desperation in his voice as he had pleaded with her to stay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The moment her lips had touched his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well?” he retorted. “You remember </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> day as well as I do, I’m sure. So what about it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need someone who can be there for me, Mark,” she replied. “Someone—someone I can run to, someone I can see whenever I need to. I mean, are you seriously expecting me to pine over you, over </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span> after all this time? What do you want?” He let out a sardonic laugh in response, which made her blood boil with frustration.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You could always come back, you know,” he said in a low voice. “Come back here, give—give us a chance. I told you everything I needed to say that day at the station, and you understood that. You wouldn’t even deny that </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> belong together. Give us a chance, see if it works out. We’ve known each other for so long, what do we have to lo—?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And leave Suzie? Return to my old life where work was all there was? You seriously want me to go through that again?” Susan was practically yelling now. She found it hard to believe the thought had even crossed his mind, asking her to leave her family—the only thing she had outside work—and be miserable in a life filled with nothing but work just to be with him. He had seen it firsthand how dejected she had been without Suzie, the little girl whom she loved dearly like her own, and how was it possible that he had the audacity to ask her to go through that miserable experience ever again?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>It doesn’t have to be like that, Susan!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Mark hissed, no longer able to contain his vexation. He looked up, and her eyes were now filled with tears. Guilt began creeping into him at the realisation that he had made her, the woman he had fallen </span>
  <em>
    <span>madly</span>
  </em>
  <span> in love with, cry. However, it was still not enough to replace his anger, and out of the corner of his eye he saw that his right hand had formed a fist.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, then what the fuck does it have to be like, Mark!? Because I sure as hell don’t know what </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> think it has to be like for </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Does it have to be like how you almost never see Rachel?” she raised her voice even higher and, with a sudden and quick motion, rose from her seat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes widened at the realization that she was capable of saying it, arguably the most—and only—hurtful thing she had ever said to him, but he had no power to respond. Was it because she had been right, or was it because he knew he had been pretty much asking for it? He had no idea; all he knew at the moment was that things were going downhill fast, and there was only so much he could do or say. All the while, her furious voice kept ringing in his head: </span>
  <em>
    <span>does it have to be like how you almost never see Rachel?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While he was still stunned, she turned around and started making her way towards the exit of the restaurant, her purse firmly in her hand. It took him a good few seconds—which really felt a lot longer—before he realized what had happened, and then she was no longer there. Quickly he turned to flash a look of apology at the friendly waiter, who was on his way to serve their orders, before running after her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Almost like that day at Union Station,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he told himself as images and memories from that day began to slide into his head, every single moment clear as if it had taken place yesterday. The worry, the running, the adrenaline…the resemblance was far too uncanny to go unnoticed, and a tinge of heartache struck him at the realization that he might be going through the same pain for a second time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Once was painful enough, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he lamented silently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He increased his pace after he exited the restaurant, paying no care to anyone or anything around him, and he found Susan standing near an adjacent crossroad, one hand raised in an attempt to hail a taxi.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Susan!” he exclaimed, and much to his surprise—and relief—she actually turned around to face him at the sound of his voice. As the sight of her got closer, he saw that tears had streamed down her face, and his initial disgust slowly returned—this time at himself for being such an ass and making her cry right after she had felt she could have trusted him well enough to share something important.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was destroying everything and he did not know if he could mend it. He had been so sure once had been painful enough, but then his selfishness had taken over and now he was doing himself no favour for the second time. Worst of all, it was at the cost of </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He was going to apologize, he knew, but he was well aware that it would take him much, much more to fix everything—if that was even remotely possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he panted, “I’m really, really sorry. I—I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have said…</span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> that I told you earlier. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why can’t you be happy for me, Mark?” she asked without hesitation. “I told you because you’re one of the few people I can trust to share such things with. I told you because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>respect you</span>
  </em>
  <span>—though probably you don’t feel the same for me, so why did I even bother?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her words struck him like a dagger. It goes without saying that he had nothing but pure respect for her as a doctor and, more importantly, as a friend. However, in all fairness he couldn’t blame her for not thinking that way; he was privileged to have her trust and respect, and now he was on the brink of losing it. He knew it would take him way more than words to regain it in that case.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He might have irreparably damaged his relationship with her, and the prospect terrified him to no end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…I didn’t think—” he stuttered, fully aware that one wrong move could mean everything between them was over, “—I wasn’t thinking. I was—</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span> being an idiot. I’m really sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Susan sighed, one hand wiping away her tears and the other now squeezing Mark’s tightly. “Mark, I love you. You’re my best friend, and nothing can change that. But life has thrown…</span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> at us and we need to move on. It’s just meant to be that way, and I’m not sorry for that if it means it’s for the better. For both of us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes were now fixated on their hands together, which sent chills down his spine. He would have very much loved to look into her eyes as she spoke, to see clearly the pain he had caused, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you ever asked yourself this: do you think it’s—the two of us together—romantic because it </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly</span>
  </em>
  <span> is, or is it because of what you think could’ve been?” she continued, and he narrowed his eyes at the (rhetorical) question.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The answer was clear—he had never asked himself that, because all he could think of and ponder was what he and Susan could have been and nothing else. Even if Susan had stayed and their relationship had turned romantic, there would always have been a possibility that things wouldn’t work out, which would’ve damaged their bond and brought them to places neither wanted to be in. Just thinking about it, again, terrified Mark to no end and he wanted nothing more than to prevent that from happening.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m happy,” she tried to reassure him. “I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I have Suzie, who always reminds me there is more to my life than work. I was miserable when it was all I had and I don’t want to go through that again. I’m happy, and I want you to be too. I care about you so much.” She promptly pulled him into a hug, which took him aback. At the same time, it warmed his heart too because it felt very sincere, as did her words, and that let him know that there was </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> that could take what they had away. They would always have each other even when they were miles apart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want you to be happy. I want you to have someone who can be there for you—I know you will. If not now, someday. I’m sure of that,” she said into his ears, and that was when he finally reciprocated the embrace tightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They hugged for what felt like an eternity, his repeated whispers of </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry</span>
  </em>
  <span> and her </span>
  <em>
    <span>me too</span>
  </em>
  <span>’s filling each other’s ears. Soon, they pulled apart and Mark checked on his watch before smiling sheepishly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As much as I like hugging you here, we probably should head back. I have a feeling the restaurant’s pretty unhappy that we left before paying a cent just like that,” he chuckled, which incited a smile from Susan—a smile so beautiful it could always light up a room, and mentally he cursed himself for being a total jerk and making her cry earlier. He would do anything to make her smile, and he had almost ruined that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As they made their way back to the restaurant, she took his hand in hers and they walked in silence—awkwardness still filling the air after their argument earlier—with small smiles on both of their faces. Mark let out a sigh, partly from the cold of the evening and partly from what had happened, but mostly he felt grateful that she had forgiven him, and that it had been reassured that no matter what happened and who they ended up with they would always be each other’s person and nothing in the world could change that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He loved Susan, and there was no doubt he would always love her, and tonight had taught him part of loving her meant being there for her when she needed him, though not in a way that he had hoped, especially when she confided in him about something that meant a lot to her—even when it sounded like he had lost something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But tonight had taught him he had not lost anything, and he would never lose as long as he had her. And they would </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> have each other, distance be damned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In a world full of uncertainties, it was pretty much the only thing Mark and Susan knew for sure.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
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